The Average Life of the Teenage Misfit
by Goose-chan
Summary: Because nothing is better than the plot-deprived life of those kids you never notice. Crack.
1. Dream 1: We All Die in North Carolina

**A/N: HELLO MY GLORIOUS DARLINGS GOOSE HAS RETURNED. Yes. My new computer came on Thursday, and just moments ago I made my dad install Microsoft Word on it. Now please don't eat my soul because I haven't updated MWELS; we still haven't transferred the files on my old computer onto the new one. But I figured that I owe you guys a big apology for such a long absence, so I decided to write this… thing.**

**What is this thing, you ask? Why, it's a crack story based on various dreams I've had/random events that happen at school. It's a lot better than it sounds, and hopefully, my writing can do it justice. But just a quick 'warning' that my friends insisted that I put in: we talk about periods a lot. And we make a lot of sex jokes. And –insert anonymous friend's name here- can't say organism. Yeah ._. **

**(I don't know why they wanted me to do that when you guys can just look at the rating :|)  
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**So here's the first chapter, based on a dream I had weeks ago. Hope you guys like it, and I don't own Shugo Chara!, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Death Note, Blue's Clues, The Wizard of Oz, Avatar: The Last Airbender, the random quote I unintentionally stole from Tsuki no kimi (you win an internet gecko if you find it), or anything else you might recognize. Or North Carolina. Because that's totally where this takes place.**

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><p>Utau wandered aimlessly around her large school's property. She had completely forgotten why she was there, and thought curiously about the fact that it appeared to be almost sunset, of all times.<p>

_I didn't forget anything, did I? _she mused. _That's right! My math notebook!_

Utau hurried into the school building as quickly as her short, lacy dress would allow… only to find that the entire layout of the building had been completely redone.

"… What the hell…?" she mumbled. There was no way she could navigate her way through this newly created labyrinth. Frustrated, she walked up to a few college students murmuring suspiciously next to the office (_Why are they here? _she wondered) and was about to ask for directions when none other than Yaya Yuiki popped up out of nowhere.

"Follow the yellow brick road!" the small girl cried giddily, before falling down a conveniently placed flight of stairs that somehow led to where Utau wanted to go.

Suddenly, the setting was completely different. It was dark outside, and probably had been for quite some time. She was standing in the backyard of a tall, thin, plain-looking building, along with Amu, Yaya, Rima, Kukai and Tadase.

"It's only two stories tall, with one room," Kukai explained, "but the place me and Tadase used to share scared the ramen outta me. That place was creepy."

The others agreed, and were about to open the back door when Rima spoke up.

"Um… guys? We didn't leave the second story blinds open. How could anyone get up there, anyway…?"

Chaos ensued.

"Ohmigawd, whadda we do, whadda we do?"

"RAWRGHSHLAGA."

"Yaya is too young to die!"

Finally, after noticing how calm Utau and Rima were (on the outside, of course), Tadase managed to regain his composure.

"Why don't we just peek in through one of the first floor windows, just to see if anything's there?" he suggested. The others nodded reluctantly.

Kukai stepped cautiously towards the nearest window. Utau was vaguely aware of Amu cowering behind her and clinging to her arms, fully prepared to use her as a human shield, if necessary. Rima stood next to a bush several feet off to the side.

Kukai's face inched closer to the window. When he was mere inches from the cool glass, there was a rusting noise, and the blinds flew open to reveal a rather young looking emo child staring back at them.

Cue more chaos.

When they finally all calmed down once more (read: Amu, Yaya, Kukai and Tadase cowered behind Utau, while Rima melted into the shadows like the secret Nico fangirl she was), Emo Kid stepped out of the house-type thing.

Not quite sure how to react, Utau nodded to him. "Peace."

Emo Kid grinned, which was something they all hoped they'd never have to witness again.

Still suspicious, Utau began to say something, but winced at a sudden, sharp pain in her arm. "Amu!" she scolded. "Your fingernails are sharp!"

Leering like a high school kid with a god complex and a handy-dandy notebook, Emo Kid walked closer to them.

"I have sharp nails, too," he smiled. "See?"

Emo Kid raised one of his stereotypically pale hands. Everyone gasped; instead of regular human fingernails, Emo Kid had thick, yellowing claws bigger than L's sweet tooth and sharper than Katara's words when she's on another one of her Zuko rants.

And then Utau was lying in her bed at home, completely bewildered. Shrugging off Emo Kid and all the things related to him as an incredibly strange dream, she sat up and stretched, slightly eager for the class trip to the museum today.

And through another magical time skip, she was there. The building was white and marble-y, like Olympus when it isn't covered in ichor and god guts and whatnot.

"Utau! Over here, over here!"

Turning her head to look in the direction the call came from, Utau was surprised to see Amu, Rima, Yaya, Tadase, Kukai, and… Rima's bush.

_The bush? The bush! But the bush was in my dream! If the bush is real, then that means… _

"That kid killed us all, didn't he?"

Meanwhile, in the land of Seiyo (Where things were at least a little bit more normal), Kairi and Nagihiko looked at each other.

"…Is it just me, or are we missing some people?"

THE FLEFFING END

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><p><strong>Yes, Machu, I stole your word. And yes, I know, this was severely lacking in detail. And while I'm at it, yes, I know the title is rather crappy, along with the summary. I'm just a complete failure, aren't I? I'm sorry ;_;<strong>

**(Internet gecko to anyone who can come up with a better title/summary :'D)  
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	2. And My Hair Spoke to Me

**HI. Yeah. Still no MWELS. Please don't eat me. Also, fans of Nagi's hair… I'm horribly sorry, but it was necessary in order to change this little event into a chapter ;-; (Because I couldn't see the events of this chapter happening to any of the other SC guys.) I own nothing.**

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><p>Amu walked slowly to school as Ran, Miki and Su flew noisily around her head. Thinking only of nothing, she paid little attention to where she was going, following the route to the middle school by memory.<p>

"Amu-chan!"

Amu turned around to see Nagihiko running towards her, slowing to a stop as he took a place walking next to her. Looking out of the corner of her eye, she noticed him fingering the ends of his newly cut hair nervously.

"What's up?"

Nagihiko looked around cautiously before turning back to face Amu, the expression on his face a mixture of confusion and concern.

"I… I think my hair spoke to me last night."

Amu blinked. "…What?" she choked out, trying not to laugh.

"I'm serious!" Nagihiko protested. "I swear, my hair spoke to me! I remember it exactly!"

"Then what happened?" Amu asked, smirking at her friend's frustration. It was rare to see someone as calm-minded as Nagihiko get so worked up over something so simple… if you considered talking hair 'simple', that is.

Nagihiko frowned. "Well, I was just complaining to myself about how they cut it too short… and suddenly I heard a voice say, 'You're just jealous because I'm the only part of your body that's attractive!'… Or something like that."

"Or something like that?"

"Yeah."

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><p><strong>The end. Of this chapter. Are all of the chapters going to be this short? Probably. A page or two at most. But there will be a lot of chapters, hopefully. And yes, my friend insists that his hair once spoke to him. I didn't get permission from him to write this, though, but I don't care :D <strong>

**(Btw, bidding for what got cut off of Nagi's hair starts at $100,000 u_u)**


	3. I Stole Your Lusty Love Letter

**Yes! I'm updating the wrong fic again! -hides-**

Homeroom never seemed longer. The minutes were just inching by, inching by, as Amu and Rima sat in their seats near the back of the room. The weekend seemed to have flown by, leaving only homework to be hastily completed before classes.

That is, until Rima remembered what had happened on Friday that had been nagging at her all weekend.

"Hey, Amu," the small blond whispered, tugging at the taller girl's sleeve.

"What is it, Rima?" Amu replied absentmindedly. "And I thought I told you to stop pulling on my sleeve. You'll stretch out the fabric."

"I accidentally stole your lusty love letter to Tadase."

Amu blinked before slowly turning to face her friend. "You… what?"

"Don't make me repeat myself, Amu. I accidentally stole that lusty letter you wrote to Tadase. You never finished it, though, which was disappointing."

"You _read _it?" Amu cried out, grabbing Rima's shoulders and attracting the stares of several classmates. Ignoring them, Amu continued, "You should know better than to read the stuff I write to Tadase! It's personal!"

"Well I didn't know that it was a lusty love letter!" Rima replied indignantly.

"It was painfully obvious the whole time!" Amu started hyperventilating.

"… Well I figured it out when I got to the part that said, 'the bus ride home from the field trip with your arm around me, your hand on my waist, was perfect, and I love you, I really do, and I'd be heartbroken if you believed that I felt otherwise!'" Rima recited dramatically, waving her hands with a flourish.

"Shut up!" Amu blushed furiously.

Rima shrugged. "Hey, if you didn't want anyone to see it, you shouldn't have left it in plain sight."

"It was in my folder!"

"Which was in plain sight!"

"Why were you going through my folder anyway?"

"I was looking for something."

"And you couldn't have asked me for it?"

"I did! You told me to look in your folder!"

Amu paused. "… Oh. Well… just give it back and don't tell anyone about it. Ever."

Rima smiled angelically. "Don't worry, Amu. I'm your best friend; of course I won't tell anyone about your lusty love letter."

Of course, at this moment, Nagihiko walked past them to get something from the back of the room.

"What's this about a lusty love letter? Amu-chan?"

… **Dang, I'm a failure. At life. No wonder nobody reviews this... It isn't even funny :| I don't own SC!, and it's a good thing too, since we all know I'd screw it up beautifully. Now if anyone needs me, I'll be harassing Happy-chan.**

…

**Internet organism of your choice to anyone who remembers Happy-chan.**

**(Btw, please don't eat me. Though this fic will most likely have no romance AT ALL, there will be mentions of relationships and whatnot. While I do prefer Amuto over Tadamu, everything in this story except the chapters labeled as dreams really happened. I'm matching my friends up to the characters whose personalities they are closest to, if that sentence even makes sense. The girl who will more often than not be represented by Amu is dating a guy who couldn't be Ikuto-like if his life depended on it. He's so innocent, it's like he's an amoeba ;-;)  
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	4. I Forgot My Pants

**... Hello. Yes. I'm updating… for the first time in a while… and I have no excuse, really. I wasn't busy. At all. I just didn't feel like updating :'D (… I still don't… but I love you guys, so I must…). I own nothing~**

Tadase and Nagihiko walked home slowly, only paying enough attention to their surroundings that they were able to avoid being mercilessly crushed by the heavy traffic of a weekday afternoon. It had been a rough day, especially gym class, where they had been so exhausted near the end that several students, including them, had not bothered to change out of their cool gym shorts into the slightly heavier school uniforms. The previously mentioned uniforms remained bunched up in the small bags they used for their gym clothes.

… Which Nagihiko had left by his desk in the classroom.

"OH SHNAZZ! I forgot my pants!"

He pretended to ignore the fact that Tadase glanced down only to realize that Nagihiko was, in fact, wearing pants.

**Short chapter is short. Oh well. You'll live… maybe… I hope? Meh… What's the point of having a chapter title if the title gives away the entire chapter...?  
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	5. Falling

**Hellooooooooooooo~ I own nothing.**

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><p>"Don't worry, Amu, you'll be fine. It's not even that big of a drop," Rima tried to reassure her friend, who was currently gripping the safety bar so tightly that her nails dug into the hard plastic.<p>

"I hate falling. You know I hate falling. Why did I agree to this in the first place?" Amu muttered, glancing around nervously as she desperately searched for ways of escaping.

"It's just a roller coaster. You're not going to die."

"Of course I will! I hate the feeling of falling, even in a controlled fall like this. My hands get all sweaty and my heart beats really fast and-"

Amu gave a small shriek as the machine crept its way up towards her doom. Rima had been telling the truth- the drop wasn't big at all, ten feet at the most, but still… Amu clenched the bar tighter, staring straight ahead.

"Remember, Rima, if I die- HOLY FLEFFER NUGGETS ON CRACK!"

As Rima led a shaky Amu off of the ride, she told herself that she would never again make the girl go on a ride that involved falling. She hoped that the ringing pain in her ears would subside soon.

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><p><strong>I really hate falling ;w;<strong>


	6. One Letter Makes a Big Difference

**I love how the only people who review this are people I'm friends with XD Oh well~ I own nothing~**

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><p>Amu sighed as she tried to do her homework, calmly ignoring Miki, who was floating around her head chatting excitedly about a new character she had designed.<p>

"And he's so handsome! Not to mention he has a lot of cool abilities. I mean, he can just turn into a bird and fap away!"

"… Wait, what?"

"… He can just turn into a bird and flap away!"

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><p><strong>Ah. It's short, but I like it anyway...<br>**


	7. A Goat Eating Alien Statue

… **Moo? I own nothing C:**

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><p>Nagihiko stared absentmindedly out of the car's window, watching the lights of houses illuminating the darkness as Kukai's older brother drove the two boys to their respective homes after Yaya had finally let them leave her birthday party that had been scheduled to end three hours previously.<p>

Kukai then let out a yelp and flailed around in his seat for several moments before turning and gaping out of the rear windshield.

"… What was that?" Nagihiko asked, a bit frightened of what the answer might be.

"I just saw something," Kukai replied, "and it was either a statue, an alien, or a chupacabra."

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><p><strong>We drove past it again today. It was a statue. With sunglasses.<strong>


	8. Fleffing Psychic

**This, my glorious darlings, be a special chapter. Because Ama-Marie-Hinamori-Sohma decided to be a sweetie and be the first person I wasn't friends with (at the time) to review, I decided to be nice (and lazy, for I occasionally get tired of thinking of what events to write) and let her provide the event for this chapter. Apparently this actually happened to her… minus the Utau part. And so, for once, I literally own nothing.**

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><p>Manami and Wakana strolled down the street of the city towards their favorite department store. It had been anther dull day, and they were hoping that they might find something there to make the day somewhat worthwhile.<p>

"I want something exciting to happen," Manami whined.

Wakana laughed. "Something exciting? Like what?"

Manami pouted. "I want to meet Utau Hoshina! That kind of thing!"

The other girl was just about to scold her friend for such childish fantasies when they rounded the corner. There was a swarm of people crowded around a large stage, and singing her heart out on top of the previously mentioned stage was… Utau Hoshina.

"Holy fleff, Manami, you're psychic."

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><p><strong>I recently discovered that earbuds are useless unless they're actually in your ears. Unless, you know, you want to beat someone to death with them. <strong>


	9. Monkey Tampons

**... Hello. Please, don't use any of the advice given in this chapter. I don't want complaints about monkeys being assaulted with tampons :|**

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><p>There are times when you recognize something, you know you've seen, heard, felt, tasted or smelled it before, but you just can't seem to figure out what it is. You think and think, struggling to bring some memory to the surface, and then-<p>

"I've got it!" Amu exclaimed, pounding her fist on the table in triumph.

Rima and Utau looked up from their textbooks to stare at her. The two girls had decided that Amu had been failing algebra long enough and that she desperately needed some tutoring, and thus their little study group was formed. (Nagihiko, Kukai and Tadase had quickly stuttered out ridiculous excuses when the idea of spending an evening trying to teach the pink-haired girl how to factor polynomials was brought up, Yaya would be unable to help, and Ikuto would cause her to be distracted by the sexy.)

"Got what, Amu?" Rima asked in her small voice.

"What it smells like!" Amu cried out excitedly. "It smells like hamsters!"

Rima and Utau blinked.

"Calm down, Amu, and start from the beginning," Rima ordered. "We have no idea what you're talking about."

Amu closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. "Well," she began, "you know how your period smells like blood?"

Rima frowned. "Isn't that because it _is _blood?"

Amu nodded impatiently. "Yes, yes, but that's not the point. So you know how if you don't change your pad for a while, overnight, for example, it kinda starts to smell weird?"

"Like dried blood, perhaps?"

"No. Well, yes, but no. There's something else. If you sniff really carefully," (at this point, Amu received to very concerned looks), "it smells like hamsters!"

Rima and Utau stared open-mouthed for several seconds before Utau asked, "Do animals even get periods?"

Amu and Rima frowned.

"Well Tadase-kun had a dog, right?" Amu said thoughtfully. "You didn't see her bleeding all over the place, did you?"

Sighing, Utau thought for a few moments. "I guess not," she finally said.

"But if that's true, why us and not them?" Rima asked. "That doesn't make any sense."

At that point, sick of the conversation, Il popped up out of her egg and shouted, "Just _shove _a tampon _into _a monkey!"

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><p><strong>Yes, we all fail at science. I actually did some research after this happened and felt quite stupid, so don't lecture me on how the ovaries of Chihuahuas work or something :| <strong>

**But seriously. When my hamster was alive (which was last week), I'd be cleaning her cage and it would smell like pads and it would suck :|  
><strong>

**(In other news, I'm a freshman now! Aren't you guys so proud? :'D)**


	10. The Power of Guilt

**Hello, children. Even though I did say that I'd try to update both this and MWELS, I'll probably update this more often :'D (I own nothing.)  
><strong>

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><p>Nagihiko watched as Amu sullenly plunked herself down in the seat next to him for class. The teacher, who was currently standing outside debating who knows what with another teacher, paid no attention to the students running amok in the catastrophe known as their classroom.<p>

"What's wrong, Amu-chan?" Nagihiko asked curiously.

Amu looked up forlornly, eyes shining with concern. "Rima's been ignoring me," the pink haired girl whined. "I think she's mad at me, but I don't know why. She's just been ignoring me whenever I try to talk to her in the hallway or something."

Nagihiko stared for a moment before saying, "Now you know how I felt last year when you ignored me for lying to you about Nadeshiko."

Amu blinked in surprise. "I already told you, Nagihiko, I'm so-"

"Broke my heart, you did. Ripped it to shreds."

"I'm so-"

"You tore it into thousands of tiny pieces that pierced into my bloody, mutilated soul."

"Nagihi-"

"My _soul, _Amu-chan."

"… I totally deserve this."

"Yes, you do."

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><p><strong>Yay for ten chapters.<br>**


	11. Dream 2: Mailbox Seduction

**... –slinks back into the internet-**

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><p>Kukai scowled.<p>

Why didn't anything ever go his way? All he wanted to do was seduce his neighbor's mailbox. Was that too much to ask? The mailbox – he could swear the milky white post was mocking him, the box laughing at his futile attempts at sexiness – stood tall and erect, forever stoic, forever free of emotions. It frustrated Kukai to no end. He wanted, no, _needed _this mailbox. He was a teenage boy, dammit, and his overactive hormones wouldn't let him finish his report on mitosis (or whatever it was that they were learning) until the mailbox was _his._

Yet just as he was about to unbutton another shirt button and strut back towards his target, a suspicious figure materialized out of the corner of his eye.

Whirling around, he saw an old hag in stereotypical old hag clothes. The woman raised a gnarled finger and pointed silently at the tiny black schnauzer yipping excitedly around Kukai's feet. Leering, her eyes shone with hunger.

She wanted to eat his schnauzer's soul.

Thinking quickly, Kukai whipped his head to face a different direction, the old woman instinctively mimicking his movements. When she looked back, the nameless dog was gone, replaced by a dark green garden hose filled with tiny punctures.

The woman didn't notice the difference. Kukai was quite pleased when she snatched up the hose and ran cackling off into the sunset.

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><p><strong>... I love you guys? ... Reviews encourage me to neglect familyfriendship/romance/whatever and update.  
><strong>


	12. He Needs a What?

**So… I haven't updated in over a month. It's not my fault. Don't blame me blame juice it seduced me. POINTS TO WHOEVER CAN FIND MY ALMOST NON-EXISTENT OKAMI REFERENCE.  
><strong>

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><p>Amu looked at Miki's sketch, deep in thought. There was something off about it, but neither of them could quite place it. Somewhere up in the heavens, the art gods were mocking them, but the two girls were determined to prove those brush deities wrong. They would find the problem with the drawing or die trying.<p>

"That's it!" Miki cried. "He needs more of a leaf!"

Amu stared in confusion.

"… neck," Miki corrected herself. "I meant to say neck."

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><p>… <strong>Reviews make me happy. Me being happy means I'm less likely to neglect people and drown in juice. Review so I don't neglect my people. My people are sad.<strong>


	13. The Chronicles of Stupidity Part One

**A series within a series, which focuses on the extraordinarily painful idiocy of some girls in my grade.**

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><p>Rima doodled idly in the margin of her notebook, occasionally glancing over at Amu's notes to make sure she hadn't missed anything important. The overexcited biology teacher prattled on about cross-breeding species, eagerly flipping through the slides of her carefully constructed presentation. On one slide, as if to exaggerate the absurdity of certain "man-made" species, there was a skillfully photo-shopped image of a large crab with a hippopotamus's head, gaping mouth displaying numerous large teeth.<p>

"Oh my god!" a girl sitting in the back cried out. "Is that, like, real?"

Rima massaged the bridge of her nose as Amu raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

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><p><strong>Somehow this girl is in all honors and seminar level classes. Yeah.<br>**


	14. TCoS Part Two: Literally

**Updating again because I can.**

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><p>Amu looked around her as the students chatted around the room at the end of class. Today was the last day in their current seating arrangement; tomorrow, being the beginning of a new trimester, meant new seats. Most people, having friends in the upper-level math class with them, were more than a little nervous to find out who they'd be seated with. Amu, who had no friend in this particular class, was quite calm, yet she still found it amusing to watch the other students squirm.<p>

"Oh my god, Kirishima!" a dark-haired girl whined to her friend. "If I'm not seated next to you, I'm going to literally sit next to you anyway!"

_As opposed to figuratively sitting next to him…?_

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><p>Yaya strolled down the hall to history, pale pink bag secured over both shoulders. It was difficult going this way to class, because of the stream of students going in the other direction, yet it was still much quicker than the alternate route. Absentmindedly dodging the waves of people, she listened intently to a group of girls behind her.<p>

"And I literally, like, died!"

Yaya quickly thought of a zombie invasion and found that the reality was much more disappointing that what she expected.

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><p>Rima trudged up the long flight of stairs, wondering why she couldn't have two classes in a row on the same floor. In front of her, a pair of older students were walking at an infuriatingly slow pace, making it absolute that she (along with everyone behind her) was going to be several minutes late to class. In addition to being incapable of walking at a reasonable pace, they were also incapable of saying anything remotely intelligent, as Rima quickly learned.<p>

"You can't tell anyone!" the makeup-caked girl demanded. "Literally no one knows! I mean, like, _literally _no one knows!"

_Well you obviously know_, Rima scoffed to herself. _And your friend clearly does too._

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><p><strong>Don't misuse the word literally. Ever.<strong>


	15. A Different Kind of Community

**Hey. Hey guys. Guess what guys. I'm on deviantART now guys. You should stalk me. The link is on my profile guys. You should click on it. And love me. **

**Guys is such a weird word…**

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><p>Rima stretched her arms above her head, yawning. It was nearing the end of a warm school day, and the teacher, realizing how exhausted and unfocused everyone was, let them gather in small groups to read a section from the textbook. It was a good thing, too, because none of the students were really capable of keeping up with the teacher's quick pace at the moment.<p>

Closing her eyes, she laid her head down on Amu's lap. Amu, who was sitting on the desk, read sleepily from the passage, occasionally stumbling over words in a way that made Rima grin.

"… to create a very different community of orgasms…"

Rima looked up, eyebrows raised, eyelids still drooping with the longing for sleep.

Amu blinked. "That was supposed to be organism, wasn't it?" she asked, confusion lacing her voice.

Rima nodded.

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><p><strong>So it turns out that chapter fourteen was published on the exact date of the one-year anniversary of this fic. Yay~<strong>


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